he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
