I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The power of my boobs compel you
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize