What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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