I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
