You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
