If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
