Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
