Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
