i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
