Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
well you can't waste a boner
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
