i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
