Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
