Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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