If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
