First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
