Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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