I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We left the knife in your bed.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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