Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
