He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I understand Curling. That high.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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