what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
