i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
