I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
