i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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