Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
