if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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