the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
