Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
