Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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