How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
