i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
