Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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