I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
