Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Let's get the cat blown out
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
