Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
