Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
