either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
