Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?