He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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