i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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