So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
