I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Boobs speak an international language.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
