i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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