On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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