I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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