fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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