I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
