Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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