You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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