I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
