when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
