I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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