The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
