i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
