As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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