sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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