My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
