Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i love accidental penises.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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