i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
