did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
