if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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